AWAKE AT GUNPOINT:

A dramatic account of the arrested mind, stopped still, and the revelation of the awareness of being.

To what are we attending?
The Truth of who we Are or our thoughts about who we think we are?

I have allowed my thoughts to be wholly focused on the dictum: "Life is dangerous". Life experience was my evidence that this belief was fact. My awareness was captivated, like a vigilant watch-dog, listening for and warding off any threats that might compromise my survival and safety. Major life decisions were born out of this fundamental fear. I followed my thoughts wherever they took me. I believed they were real. They were trustworthy. They would keep me safe. Ultimately, I sought refuge in my dream of awakening, of being enlightened. I believed if I could accomplish this rare and exalted state of consciousness, I would be free. I would be safe. I would finally and forever be rid of the gripping anxieties and thoughts that absorbed my full attention since my early 20's. I thought my thoughts could set me free! All the while I was wholly overlooking that I already, always knew the Truth. I was already free. How could this be?

I begin by sharing a beautiful story that my Teacher's Teacher used to tell. For hearing this story was my penetrating invitation to stop searching and acknowledge the treasures of this lifetime that have all along revealed the Truth. And pay homage to THAT. To bring my full attention to that which I have already, always known. To end the denial that "I don't know".

Once, a long, long time ago, long before recorded time, long before anyone was aware, there was a Prince, a very wealthy Prince who had more riches than anyone could ever imagine; a palatial kingdom, glittering with beautiful riches. And he, by some stroke of remarkable luck became Enlightened. While wholly overcome with gratitude for this greatest of fortunes, he decided to give all that he owned away. He wanted nothing more than to share his riches with all who would come. To give it all away. So he sent out a message far and wide in all directions and invited everyone and anyone to please come and take any riches they desired.

Well, when the people heard this news, some simply did not believe such an offer could really be true and decided that this invitation was just a ploy to murder them. Others were curious but didn't dare leave the security of their homes. Others thought that this sounded like it could be a wonderful offer for someone else, but not them. Then there were some who felt adventurous and were willing to see what this invitation was really all about.

When they arrived outside the Prince's palace, they were greeted by some kind people who spoke on behalf of the Prince, for he had long since left. They relayed that the Prince had asked that these people first bathe before entering the palace. Oh …my… well… many objected saying that they don't bathe, didn't trust bathing, that bathing was bad, it was against their religion. So they left. The others that remained decided to take the risk and bathed. After they bathed, they were given beautiful garments to wear. Next they were seated and served the most wondrous, delicious meal that wholly satisfied their every craving. Once fed, they were invited to rest before ascending the stairs where all the treasures awaited them. Some were eager and did not trust this invitation to rest. "I'm going up there to take my stuff and go", they said. So these people climbed and climbed and climbed and, before they could reach the top, they became exhausted and fell back down the stairs — empty handed. Meanwhile, the remaining people, about 200, decided to rest. They reasoned that, so far, things had gone quite nicely so why not trust the Prince and rest.

When they awoke, deeply rested and energized, they ascended the stairs and entered a room full with treasures beyond imagination. They happily took all their heart's desired and more. As a group, they all decided to return to their homes and villages and share with their people all of these treasures as well. For there was far more wealth than any of them alone would ever need; there was more than enough to support all. This group also agreed that they would gather together in ten years and report how these treasures contributed to everyone's lives and all the lives with whom they shared these gifts.

So ten years passed. They all gathered in their agreed-upon spot to share their news, their findings. And to everyone's surprise they each found that very, very few people wanted or could accept any of the treasures. They each all still had far more treasures than any of them needed. So they decided to bury the remaining gifts in an unknown, unmarked spot knowing that for these treasures to be truly received, people had to find them themselves.

Gangaji also shared that her Teacher, Papaji, said that if a person has had only a glimpse of the Truth, that is enough — if they remain absolutely vigilant to That which was revealed.

The beautiful story and the poignant words from Papaji propelled me to deeply investigate: What treasures had I over looked or ignored? What glimpses of Truth had I already experienced but denied? And then, a floodgate of seeing came into my awareness. A string of pearls, precious experiences of the Truth, moments when time stopped, the mind ceased and the Heart of Truth was met. Those moments now captured my full attention and thought receded into the background. Of these pearls, there is one most essential, most remarkable, that I had never allowed myself to fully acknowledge much less share with anyone else. When I shared this revelation, this pearl, with my Teacher, she said it was a story that needed to be told. So on that urging, I am sharing this story.

While it may appear to be a personal story, which on a certain level it is, it is the sharing of a treasure that is yours as well.

I have no idea who he was or how he came into my house. Afterwards, the police found all of the sharp kitchen knives wrapped in a brown paper bag in the dryer lint catch. He apparently had gone though my belongings in my bedroom as well. I remember seeing that dark dust they use for finding fingerprints on my bedroom walls. My wallet and its contents were found tucked under a bush in the backyard. Who knows where he was hiding, or how long he had been in the house when I came home to get ready for a meeting that evening.

Something felt odd when I entered through the front door. I stood in the living room. I could smell stale cigarette smoke. I was in my early twenties renting this small house from another young woman. We had agreed that no one would smoke in the house. I was confused. I walked about the house calling, "Hello? Hello? Is anyone here?" I didn't see anyone anywhere. Intuitively, I knew something just didn't feel right but I pushed the feeling away and hurried on with my need to shower and leave. I had to get to my meeting. I was already running late.

Once I finished my shower, I pulled back the curtain and saw a lot of steam in the bathroom. I went over to the mirror and couldn't see myself in the glass so I turned on the blow-dryer to blow it dry. The steam on the mirror evaporated slightly but not fast enough. I turned off the blow-dryer and reached for the door to release the steam.

As I turned the doorknob, he pushed open the door. His body flew at me with a terrifying force. I screamed and screamed and then blacked out.

At this point forward, I cannot recall each detail, each moment as it unfolded. My mind and its capacity to reason, to make sense of what was happening was over taken, arrested. Only frames, moments, remain accessible to my memory. While from an observer's perspective what I am about to share may sound like a horror story, worse than most people's greatest fears. I invite you to consider this story from the perspective of the Infinite Heart. The ever-available, deep compassion that resides within each one of us, in each sacred, beautiful moment, no matter what is occurring.

In the next recallable frame, I was in the wet empty tub on my back looking up at a man who was standing by the tub looking down at me with his gun pointing at my body. I was screaming, "Don't shoot, don't shoot, please don't shoot!" Then I started begging him not to shoot in the most pleading, little girl's sincerest voice I could create hoping he would take pity on me. Feel sorry for me and leave. "Shut up! Shut up!" was all I recall hearing.

The next frame he had the back of my naked body pinned up against his body, with his arm wrapped across my belly. He was taking me upstairs. I remember my hair was wet and very cold. His gun was against my belly. I became fully aware of every detail; the stairs, my body, the gun, the slow movement backwards. Then suddenly, midway up the stairs, all time utterly ceased. The mind stopped. A flood of unexpected and simple recognition came into my awareness. If he pulled the trigger, and shot me dead, I'd be fine. Truly and utterly fine. I could see the bullet going into my body, my body dying but not me. I was the consciousness aware of this consciousness that was aware of itself. And That cannot die. This consciousness that I am cannot die. I knew that if this body fell dead, I would remain. That which I realized in that moment was the most freeing and simple of Truths. Death was nothing. Truly no thing at all. My only concern was for my mother. I wanted to be able to tell her what I had realized. That I was fine. That I did not suffer at all. I was truly and utterly fine. What a treasure of Truth.

In the next frame, I was on my back on a bed in the attic. I was looking up at the rapist. The room was dark. I could see he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt. He held the barrel of his gun against my temple. I had no idea what he would do, what would come next. The details of his actions towards my body are not important. What is most essential to share is what unfolded in my own Heart. There was nothing I could do. A gun was at my head. There was no thinking. It just happened. I surrendered. I let go completely — all of my being, utterly, wholly, completely. My body opened. I was flooded with love. Just pure present Love. I felt only love. I could see him seeing the love in my eyes. He stopped, quickly got up from the bed and fled. Another treasure revealed!

When I shared this story with my Teacher, she said many beautiful, loving, moving things to me. But these are the words I most recall, "And he could have pulled the trigger. You could have died like so many others. But instead you are here to tell the story. What a blessing. What a gift. What a story of Truth". I had never stopped to appreciate that I am alive much less that this story conveys the treasure of the Truth of all of our being. Isn't that amazing. All these years, all that consumed my awareness were my thoughts. I was caught, like a frightened animal, frozen in time, replaying the event that had long since ended, or imagining the same or worse scenarios in the future. With each thought I recreated terror in my body. It all felt so real. For many years I lived with locked doors and windows even in the heat of summer. I was afraid of closed bathroom doors, the smell of lingering cigarette smoke and the screaming sound of the blow-dryer. I remained always vigilant to my mind, to the thoughts rising and playing out danger, danger, danger in such a variety of creative ways. So convincing. So real. All the while, I completely denied the beautiful Truth that was revealed and directly experienced.

But isn't this what so many of us do? We have all had experiences where we felt fully alive, present for a beautiful moment, seen the Truth. And then thoughts come racing in. This is natural. This is what happens. The mind grabs the moment and claims it as its own and gives the moment, now gone, new meaning. The Truth experienced recedes into the background. The mind interprets everything through a filter of preserving the species, the "me" identity. That's what it is supposed to do. It denies what doesn't fit, or tries to recapture what it enjoys or replays a sequence of events over and over or projects into the future always planning better strategies for what might be next. The mind believes that death means annihilation, non-existence. But this is not the Truth. It is the duty and the job of the mind to convince us that this is true. The mind has evolved masterfully for eons for the sole purpose of survival of the species. And what a beautiful job it has done! But low, when in one single glorious moment, the Truth pierces through the mechanical, habitual, automatic process what choice do we make? To see and pay homage to the Truth, the Treasure given, or to return to the known, familiar empty fears generated solely by the mind?

My mind reviewed the moment of awakening and locked it away because it didn't fit. I couldn't make sense of it in my day-to-day living. I almost never spoke of it. I never gave it my full attention. I never fully investigated it. Eventually the treasure was buried and almost completely forgotten.

What a blessing that my Teacher invited me to stop denying what I already and always have known — that I am (you are) the emptiest, fullest love ever imaginable. And that love, that pure awareness that we are, never dies. It can't. It has no beginning, no end. It simply IS. And when the demons come face to face with that pure, open, surrendered love, they flee. They disappear. Only Love remains. This is the Truth.

I am grateful to be alive. And I am even more grateful to have been shown the Truth and been given another chance to see it and rest my whole heart There. To stop the running. To call off the search for Home, Enlightenment, Freedom. To acknowledge that I am already Home, already Free. This is who I AM. This is who you are.

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